“Loves Stinks!” “Valentines' Day is just another commercial holiday!” “They should rename Valentines’ Day “Single’s Awareness Day.”” All these and more are sentiments from those who have been burned by, or felt they have missed out on, romantic love. Romantic love is held as the highest form of love in today’s society. Thus those who do not have it or have been disappointed by it often feel a pang in their hearts when it is brought up. I am sure everyone knows the disappointment that comes with romantic rejection.
My first “valentine crush” was in first grade. He was loud, rude, and rebellious. I thought he was hilarious. Being a shy, quiet 7 year old girl, I simply admired him from afar. On the back of my daily journal, however, I wrote that I loved him (with his name). I wrote it perhaps 10 times in large letters.
When his best friend was collecting the journals, he spotted what I had written and showed it to the boy I admired. They both laughed mockingly at me, so I naturally vehemently denied having written it.
It was around this same time that this young man chased my best friend at recess, professing his undying love to her and proposing marriage. I was glad she turned him down, even when he was clinging to the back of her shirt and being dragged on the ground as she tried to escape from him. It was then I had to face the truth: he had no romantic interest in me. At all.
I learned at a young age the disappointment of unrequited love. It would become a blessing in my later years. I would become determined to love, faithfully, even when the other person did not love me back. This may seem foolish, even desperate, but I assure you it has served me well.
What needed to change was not just the type of love I was seeking, but also the way in which I sought it. I hoped, I pined, but I never let him know.
Many years later, in Sunday School, we were instructed to make a valentine for someone we thought might need it. I had the idea that it might be nice to give a secret valentine to a boy. A new boy had moved to town, so I also reasoned that he might be a little sad or uncomfortable in my school. I had no expectation attached to it: I just wanted to let him know that someone thought he was special.
As my sister knew his sister, I asked her to make sure it got to him. Well, he got it. His sister must have forgotten my request to remain anonymous, as she pointed me out to him. For the next two years he and his friends did not let me forget it. One thing was for sure: I was cured of having any romantic thoughts towards him. In fact, It became a daily sign of self-restraint that I did not punch him in the face, as he sat next to me in one of my classes, snickering and making gestures to his friends.
After this I thought there was wisdom in concealing anything I ever felt towards a man. The problem with this ultimatum was that I often ended up communicating distrust or even dislike. This was an unhealthy way to deal with my emotions regarding romantic love. I knew there had to be a better way to navigate these murky waters.
I began reading books on romance in my teen years and even swore off dating until I felt I was ready to be married. This was a personal conviction, however, as I had not stumbled upon “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” by Josh Harris yet. I was determined to be faithful to my future spouse.
This brings me to a current dilemma facing young Christian women: what if one is “ready” to be married? What if Christian men (as many Christian women have noted) don’t seem to be taking initiative or interest?
I have heard all the ultra-conservative arguments that women should not take any initiative in a romantic relationship. I have heard worldly arguments that say that in the modern era women should be able to act the same as men in terms of relationship-initiation. In the book of Ruth in the Bible, I have been perplexed by Naomi’s seeming indiscretion in telling Ruth to go offer herself as a spouse to Boaz. In that case, it seems it was a culturally accepted custom and because of the familial connection through Naomi this was deemed appropriate.
So here is how I would instruct young women interested in a man. This not as an authority, but rather as my perspective thus-far constructed in this learning process: You can let him know, subtly, that you are interested. How you do it does matter. It should be done humbly (not “showing off” so to speak), lovingly (taking his needs into consideration), and without seeking validation. By this I mean your interest in him as a person needs to be genuine, without needing the interest to be mutual. Christ displayed a selfless, humble love which should be a model for whoever we are seeking to love.
In essence, I Corinthians 13 is a good model for dating. Also, as far as being attractive goes, I would offer I Peter 3:1-6 as encouragement to adorn ourselves with good works and allow God to develop an inner-beauty by continually seeking Him. This is very counter-cultural--but it is good practice for married life.
Real love is sacrificial (Agape) love. True love is what Christ demonstrated on the cross. We can begin practicing this in all relationships in our lives, so that by the time God does bless us with a spouse, we will be “ready.” Valentine sentiments just won’t do. It must be the real thing.
And as far as our hearts are concerned, we need to continually offer our desire to be married to the Lord, trusting Him to work that out. He really does care for us and will provide a godly spouse. If we encounter continual disappointment in this area, we can ask for His comfort. He has given us the Holy Spirit for times such as this.
