You are a Failure

Failure. The word can have a haunting ring to it. I think it is one of Satan's most deadly weapons. If he can keep us in self-berating, depressing thought cycles, he can inhibit us from God's work. He may not be able to crush our faith, but he can distract us if we allow him to.

I had a dream a number of years ago. I was in an interrogation room, dimly lit, with a suave-looking business man. He was friendly, charismatic, and seemed to know much about my life story. He told me God was not going to stand up for me because of all I had done which demonstrated disloyalty to Him.

I protested, but could not formulate any coherent arguments. All I could sputter in my panic were things such as, "but I have faith!" and, "I know I've been disloyal, but I've tried." Lame, I know.

A few weeks later, I had a follow-up dream. This time the same man (Satan) was in my church, in the stairwell, telling me that God did not love me. Three times he told me this, and each time God brought a scripture verse to mind. I quoted John 3:16, telling him that God does love me and sent his Son for me. I talked about how God is love and then, at last, I stated firmly that I had done wrong, owning all of it, but I told Satan that God's love was more powerful than my sin.

There have been many times I have failed: in relationships, in missing deadlines, in paying my bills (before the days of Paypal ;), in leadership, and most of all, in my relationship with God. In my younger days, I failed God by not always standing for the truth. More recently, I fail Him by choosing self-leadership instead of allowing His word and Spirit to guide me.

Besides the fact that I'm sure you've deduced I have some psycho-spiritual issues going on, there is an underlying theme to my dreams and the times in my life when I've felt depressed: it is a fear that my failure must somehow separate me from God. Theologically, I know this to be very untrue.

God's love really is more powerful than sin. It is certainly more powerful than failure. In fact, it is thinking very much of ourselves and the impact we have in the broader scheme of things to imagine that our failures are so big. The phrase, "pride goes before a fall" rings true not just in leading to foolish action, but also in  leading to emotionally turbulent waters. When we trust in ourselves, and then find ourselves to be fallen, we can become stuck in that place like a slough of despondency (a-thank-you John Bunyan for this illustration).

God does not want us to remain there. This is why we need not only love, but grace. It is by love that God wins our hearts, but it is by grace that He saves our souls. God's grace does not make us perfect all at once so that we can be with God (eitherwise we would be with Him today), but it takes its time. Each failure can become a teaching moment instead of a burden. We can face the ugliest parts of ourselves with the confidence that God still loves us. We can trust that all that we have done wrong yesterday, today, and tomorrow has already been paid for.

I love Oscar Wilde's Dorian Gray as an illustration of this (albeit a negative one). A painter friend makes a portrait of Dorian in his youth. He is "unspoiled" by the world and, to all appearances, fairly innocent. As he begins to dabble in disreputable lifestyle  choices, however, such as spending time in opium dens, with prostitutes, and even eventually committing murder, something curious occurs. The portrait is marred and disfigured to reflect what Dorian has inwardly become.

The real Dorian, however, retains his outwardly innocent, youthful visage. The truth is that we, like Dorian, do not wear our sins on our faces. Our darker sides hide within, and we can only see them when reflected in God's word. If I really ask myself if I am living a lifestyle that reflects both thoughts and actions which are peaceful, patient, kind, etc, I conclude that my portrait begins to look like Dorian's.

I have a leering grin, greedy eyes, and a devious brow. It is only by continuing to come back to God, trusting in His love and grace, wherein I am changed. The grin becomes a grimace before it can become a genuine smile. The eyes become filled with sorrow before they can brightly twinkle. My brow must be stitched in agony before it can relax in contentment.

So if you ever ask yourself if you are a failure: well, you are. I am, too, for that matter. The good news is that God's love and grace are not dependent on our success. They are dependent on who He is, and that does not change.